Random (drunk) thoughts at 3 am

I am drunk. Yes, you heard that right, I am buzzed like a mother. And somehow, I caught myself looking through thoughtcatalog.com. I came across this article entitled "25 Things Love Does" (brace yourselves, this is going to turn into another love post).

Photo taken from tumblr

As usual, I scanned through the rest and looked for number thirteen. For those who don't know, thirteen is my favorite number. In my mind, it's neither lucky nor unlucky. And the lack of favorites it has somehow makes me feel like I'm unique by liking such a taboo number.

So I read number thirteen and this is what it says: 13. Is willing to let go if need be. For some weird reason, the thirteens of any list always get the best of me.

I don't know if it's the drunk self in me, or I was just really affected by the line, but it really got me thinking, "Am I always going to be the one that lets go?" Tonight, I found myself in a situation wherein someone very close to me (guy) had just broken up with someone (girl 1) and was kind of having a thing with someone else (girl 2). Recently, his past someone (girl 1) wanted to get back together so he wasn't sure about how he felt (mostly about girl 2). I seriously felt for girl 2 because I have been in that situation numerous times. And trust me when I say, it's not the best place to be.

I told my college block mates last night that lately I've been feeling like I would never find my stranger. Not to be melodramatic or anything, but I'm turning 24 this year. I've never had a serious relationship, let alone someone whom I can call my person. I guess sometimes, it's just really not in your stars.

I hope no one reads this. But who am I kidding? I want someone to read this. I want someone to tell me they're feeling the exact same way.

Gah. Good night. Or good morning. Whatever.

Note: I had to edit this post the next day because it had quite a few grammatical errors. :)

Quarter-life Crisis

You read that right. At the young age of 23, I believe that I am experiencing my quarter-life crisis. I've only been working for roughly 5 months (going on 6!) but I have this need to move. Move up, move forward, or move away, I'm not quite sure, but I'm definitely looking for change.

I updated my resume last week and applied to various companies on a whim. To my surprise, I had my first interview this morning. And while it's still too early to tell how it went (I'm leaning more on the bad side, mostly because of my lack of appropriate answers), I just want to tell you all the questions that I HATE being asked at interviews. In fact, a big reason why I think I accepted my offer at my current company is because I was never asked any of these questions.

1. What are your strengths and your weaknesses?
First of all, I think the same rules apply to your job interview as to your first date. Obviously, you're still in that stage wherein you're trying to sell the BEST parts of you. Now, why would you want to reveal your bad points straight up? And that's why I think any employer who asks this question is asking for bullshit.

2. You've only been with your current employer for x number of months. What can you say to convince us to believe you that you won't jump ship and leave our company after x number of months as well?
Again, bullshit. Obviously, I didn't take my current job with the thought "Oh, I'm leaving in 6 months." People, it's not a feeling that happens overnight! I don't even know how I'll feel tomorrow, what more in 6 months?? It's a combination of external things that affect the way you feel about your current job. Simply put, you want to be in a company where there is personal growth. The moment you feel like you've stopped growing, then definitely, it's time to find something new. It could be in 6 months, 2 years, or if the job is challenging enough, maybe even until you retire. It's different for every person.

3. Why are you leaving your current job? (Follow up: But we have OT and work on weekends, too)
Again, same rules as being on a first date. You don't just ask your date, "Why'd you break up with your last boyfriend?" and "So, if I forget your birthday, will you break up with me too?" It's like, you can't compare one to the other. No two people are exactly the same, just like no two jobs are exactly the same even if the position might be. There are so many other factors involved that aren't considered when questions like these are asked.

4. Is that negotiable?
I know that since I am the person coming in for interview, I should be grateful. But sometimes, I can't help but feel like I wasted my time. Most especially if you ask me if my asking salary is negotiable. I mean, I'm currently working to gain experience. I'm gaining experience to increase my self worth. Now, after stating my current salary and my asking salary, you ask me if its negotiable??? That's like asking me out to dinner, but then telling me I'm paying for the next 5 dates.

In the current job I am now, I was definitely taken aback with questions like, "How well do you write?", "What exactly did you do as a...?", and "Do you think your resume looks impressive? What do you hope to accomplish working for me?" These are questions that I would rather answer. It makes me believe that the position I'm applying for needs actual thinking as compared to coming up with bullshit answers to get the job. No offense to others.

1 Corinthians 10:13

Please read my previous post to know what this is about.

My dad raised us to never ever give up. And because of that, I've even had instances when people would tell me that I have a high tolerance for pain. For me, it was never about pride or being too competitive (okay, maybe a little), but more than anything, it was just because it was instilled in me since I was young. I never really knew anything else.

Sitting in the car with my dad saying, "I just really don't know what to do, Lord." over and over and finally ending it with "I give up." after countless sighs, I couldn't even feel anything. I wasn't sad. I wasn't even mad. Just.. that I actually felt the same exact way.

Here we were, two people that practically lived by the motto of never giving up, giving up. For the both of us to give up must mean that we've both hit our limits. I was hurting. After everything that has happened, I just felt helpless. I didn't know what to do anymore. And even if I wanted to go on, I didn't know where to. And I looked at my dad. I wanted more than anything else to tell him not to give up. But before I could, he put himself together and found a solution.

When I got home, I opened my book of answers. This is what it said: No testing has overtaken you that is not common to everyone. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tested beyond your strength, but with the testing he will also provide the way out so that you may be able to endure it.

Even after everything that I went through, after everything went wrong, I still can't help but feel thankful. I have never felt so loved in my life.

Another love post.

I haven't written anything in awhile. Maybe for fear that i'll reveal too much. Sometimes, I guess I let my emotions take over and it ends up doing all the writing. But I do miss it, so i'll let it take over even just this once. Hopefully I won't give away too much of myself.

If you ask me, there's a very fine line between really good friends and new lovers. Sometimes it's hard to determine which side you're on, so you kind of stay in that gray area. Most people would prefer to know, either if they were on the black side or the white. I'm probably not like most people. I found comfort in staying in the gray area. I guess you could say I liked having the freedom to move from one side to the other. I've never been that relationship-y type of girl, if you know what I mean. But I think now, I'd like to be.

I don't know what's worse, having the right love at the wrong time or the wrong love at the right time? I feel like I'm homesick for a place that doesn't even exist (yet). But don't get me wrong, I don't regret anything. Yes, it does feel nice to have some consistency in your life, but I think the greatest loves are the ones that surprise you. The ones you never expected. The ones that leave you and return, even greater than before. The ones that hurt the most. And the ones that stay with you almost forever.

I need to know that this kind of love still exists. The kind that doesn't really need words. The kind that let's you sleep together, and I mean, literally, sleep right next to each other without the expectation of anything more. The kind of love that lights up the room. The kind of love that makes other people say, "I want that. Exactly what they have." It would be so peaceful. Like the feeling of sleep, but being awake in it together.

I've probably said too much already. But life is too short to lie about how you really feel. What do you have to lose? Carpe that fucking diem! :)

Today's Complaint: Passion.

I've lost my drive.

Maybe it's because of my intensely busy schedule. I'm taking up 23-units this term (18 is the usual full load). And apart from that, I'm an officer in another organization. Publications Manager for the AdCreate Society, to be specific. My last class, which is LAW, ends at 7.30 pm on some days and since training starts at 6, I usually miss the first half of it. & by that time, I'm usually so lazy to go to training already. Also, starting September, I'll be having my OJT. That will probably be 10 am to 7 pm everyday. EVERYDAY. Training is 6 to 9 or even 10 pm. And coming from Makati (fingers crosses the company we applied for accepts us), I'll probably arrive for training at around 8 pm. Which, again, will be useless.

Maybe it's because I'm not part of any upcoming competition until I graduate. No Skechers. --I auditioned, but didn't get in the compet team. No Crissa. --They cancelled it this year. No UAAP. --I'd have graduated by then. No Lactacyd. --My upcoming schedule can't handle it.

Maybe it started when I realized I had nothing left to train for. I probably only go to training out of routine and not anything else. I'm hollow, moving to beats and sounds I can't actually hear. I'm not that same person that allows herself to get lost in the music anymore. I'm training for the sake of training.

And you want to know something honest? It scares me. Dance was the only thing I could turn to. It was that one thing I promised I wouldn't let go of in my life. But living as I am now, with the hustle and bustle of my everyday life, I think I've lost it.

Help.