Hoodie/Bed/Emo Weather

It has been raining for the past idon'tknowhowmany days. Don't get me wrong, I love the rain. The pitter patter sound of the water, the chilly winds that accompany it, and even the once-in-awhile lightning strikes that feels like God is taking a photograph. What I don't like is the feeling it brings. The rush back of emotions of better or worse times.

It's been a week since I got back from Italy. The trip was the perfect escape to my routinely life. It gave me a chance to get lost and step out of my comfort zone. It did not though let me forget what I left back home. The moment I got back, I felt like I was back to waiting. Waiting and waiting.. For nothing. Again.

I seriously don't want to go back to that. But I feel like, if the opportunity 'FINALLY' presents itself (again), I will fall for it (again). I am such a sucker for love.

1 Corinthians 10:13

Please read my previous post to know what this is about.

My dad raised us to never ever give up. And because of that, I've even had instances when people would tell me that I have a high tolerance for pain. For me, it was never about pride or being too competitive (okay, maybe a little), but more than anything, it was just because it was instilled in me since I was young. I never really knew anything else.

Sitting in the car with my dad saying, "I just really don't know what to do, Lord." over and over and finally ending it with "I give up." after countless sighs, I couldn't even feel anything. I wasn't sad. I wasn't even mad. Just.. that I actually felt the same exact way.

Here we were, two people that practically lived by the motto of never giving up, giving up. For the both of us to give up must mean that we've both hit our limits. I was hurting. After everything that has happened, I just felt helpless. I didn't know what to do anymore. And even if I wanted to go on, I didn't know where to. And I looked at my dad. I wanted more than anything else to tell him not to give up. But before I could, he put himself together and found a solution.

When I got home, I opened my book of answers. This is what it said: No testing has overtaken you that is not common to everyone. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tested beyond your strength, but with the testing he will also provide the way out so that you may be able to endure it.

Even after everything that I went through, after everything went wrong, I still can't help but feel thankful. I have never felt so loved in my life.

GU.

I had a string of bad luck happen to me over the weekend. It basically all started when I lost my phone. Or rather, it was stolen from me. (P.S. Boo you whoever you are that stole it. Not cool, man.) & it was pretty much down hill from there. I accidentally (with the help of a rather drunk friend) ripped a 500 peso bill. On my way home, I was low on gas (and cash!) and had to drive home gangsta-style, windows down, which actually wasn't so bad since it was around 3 or 4 in the morning, but that's besides the point 'cause I was seriously praying my car wouldn't just stop in the middle of the highway or whatever. Oh, but I got home safe, if ever you're wondering.

The next day, I got my period. (TMI on the internet, but who cares. I'm trying to prove a point.) And guess what. We were out of napkins. & tissue paper. Imagine waking up to blood and a hangover. Worst combination ever. In the afternoon, I decided to pick up my new sim card from Globe. I got there 10 minutes to 5, but they were already closed. SERIOUSLY?! When I got back to the car, it wouldn't start. (Please read next post to know more about this.) The battery was dead. My mom had to drive to us with jumper cables.

Seriously. GU. Give up.

Another love post.

I haven't written anything in awhile. Maybe for fear that i'll reveal too much. Sometimes, I guess I let my emotions take over and it ends up doing all the writing. But I do miss it, so i'll let it take over even just this once. Hopefully I won't give away too much of myself.

If you ask me, there's a very fine line between really good friends and new lovers. Sometimes it's hard to determine which side you're on, so you kind of stay in that gray area. Most people would prefer to know, either if they were on the black side or the white. I'm probably not like most people. I found comfort in staying in the gray area. I guess you could say I liked having the freedom to move from one side to the other. I've never been that relationship-y type of girl, if you know what I mean. But I think now, I'd like to be.

I don't know what's worse, having the right love at the wrong time or the wrong love at the right time? I feel like I'm homesick for a place that doesn't even exist (yet). But don't get me wrong, I don't regret anything. Yes, it does feel nice to have some consistency in your life, but I think the greatest loves are the ones that surprise you. The ones you never expected. The ones that leave you and return, even greater than before. The ones that hurt the most. And the ones that stay with you almost forever.

I need to know that this kind of love still exists. The kind that doesn't really need words. The kind that let's you sleep together, and I mean, literally, sleep right next to each other without the expectation of anything more. The kind of love that lights up the room. The kind of love that makes other people say, "I want that. Exactly what they have." It would be so peaceful. Like the feeling of sleep, but being awake in it together.

I've probably said too much already. But life is too short to lie about how you really feel. What do you have to lose? Carpe that fucking diem! :)

The Birthday Experiment.

My REAL birthday is on November 17. On my Facebook page it says February 29. (Yes, I wrote that I was a leap year baby.) Now, people lie about their online information all the time, but I wanted to know just how far people would believe anything that was on the internet.

Last year, I changed my birthday on my profile. On my actual birthday, I got about 40 ish birthday greetings spread throughout the day. Some of which were from my family, my block mates and team mates whom I spent everyday in school with, and a few close friends from high school and other organizations. Today, the 29th of February, I got about 50 birthday greetings in the first hour and a half alone. Only 12 people contradicted this and knew it wasn't my real birthday.

Now, I know it's a bit of a stupid experiment (and some of you probably feel fooled after finding out it isn't really my birthday), but come on, don't you think that technology has made us lazy? We can't compute without calculators, can't read without eBooks downloaded onto our Kindles and iPads, or even greet people without Facebook reminding us. And it's not because we've forgotten, but it's because we've become lazy to think. Technology is supposed to make our lives easier, not live our lives for us.

And I will admit, there are times when I'm out that I sometimes find myself favoring social media sites like twitter and Facebook over socializing in person, but then it hits me.. Nothing will ever compare to standing in front of someone, looking them in the eye, and speaking to their soul.

Don't get me wrong, I am very grateful for technology. But I don't think it's an excuse for us to stop using our minds or making our own decisions. Technology can only calculate so much. If you ask me, a gut feeling, or a personal connection can only be truly felt if we allow ourselves to be human. Just a thought.

Happy FB birthday to me! & I am thankful for the birthday greetings though. I know you all mean well. :)

Give and take? Why not give and give?

People always ask me why I give for free. My time, my efforts, (and cheesy as it sounds) my love. I always only respond the same thing: Because I can.

I'm thankful that it was never really embedded into my mind that I should always get something in return. Yeah, in this day and age, it does suck sometimes 'cause everyone thinks that way. It's like a 'you-get-what-you-give' mentality. And honestly, I hate that. I don't understand why people think they can only give what they expect to get back. "I'll only love him this much because that's only how much he'll love me." or "I'll only put this much effort into my work because my boss will only credit me by this much." or "I'll only talk to her when she needs me 'cause I know that's the only time she'll actually talk to me." I just don't get it.

And what's worse is, people tell other people NOT to give. They tell you, "Don't invest in him, he'll only hurt you." or "Stop doing things for free, start charging money for it." or "Don't give her advice, she won't even take it." I mean, come on people! The world is selfish enough as it is, do we need to add to the problem?

First of all, to truly love someone should be unconditional. No other motives. Whether he'll love you back or not; Whether he'll hurt you or not. Second, your time is YOUR time, but know that it is better spent with others. Life is short. Spending it all on your own is not as wonderful (and beneficial) as spending it with people. And lastly, what is so wrong with helping other people? So what if they don't take your advice? Sometimes, all they need is someone who will listen. And with the hustle and bustle of the city life, that's not easy to find.

I guess all I'm trying to say is that I wished people gave more. And if you understood me correctly, which I hope you did, obviously I didn't mean material things. (We've got enough charitable rich folks for that.)

And from what my best friend once shared with me: 'Sic transit gloria mundi,' which translates to 'Thus passes worldly glories,' I changed my perspective from give-and-take to give-and-give. In the end, none of our earthly possessions will matter. We need to start setting our priorities straight.

Pre-Love Jitters

I can't wait to fall in love. To give a part of me away that I might never get back. To become illogical and not think straight. To fight over small things that have big impacts. To just take a risk and hope it lasts forever. To be hurt and feel pain. To feel lost, and yet found.

I can't wait to fall in love. For unlimited hugs and kisses. For the infinite support and security. For the back rubs and shoulders to cry on. For words unspoken and unawkward silences. For consistency. For fingers entwined and soft touches. For happy endings.

I can't wait to fall in love. Love, love, love, love, love. I can't wait.