22 years and counting.

My sister gave me this brazilian wish bracelet, or "Fitas do Senhor do Bonfim da Bahia" as they are commonly known in Brazil, awhile back. You're supposed to make 3 knots and make a wish for every knot you make. I made 3 wishes, which were:

1) A good year for LSDC-Street

2) For BTG to win best thesis

3) A boyfriend

Only one of those wishes has come true. LSDC had a championship sweep this year. --Winning 4 out of 4 competitions! It's impossible for my second wish to come true because I already finished working on my thesis. And it did not go very well 'cause of a certain panelist from A.S.&S., but I did manage to get a 4.0 GPA, so thank God. As for my third wish.. well, let's just say I won't be changing my Facebook status from Single to In A Relationship anytime soon.

I turned 22 this year. And it must be some record that I'm still single in some parallel universe (Yeah, I know some people that have been single for much longer that's why I said in a different dimension). And to be perfectly honest, I'm starting to wonder why. Don't worry, I don't mean any of that bullshit like: "maybe i'm ugly", "i'm too fat", "nobody wants me 'cause I have a strong personality", "i'm funnier than most boys and they don't like that" --NO, THAT'S NOT IT.

I mean, come on. Yes, I've had strong connections with boys. Yes, I've been close to having a relationship. Yes, I've kissed a boy. Hell, I've even kissed a lot of boys. But that's not what I meant. On the exterior, I'm good. Or even, great. I'm not as socially awkward as some and I'd like to think I'm not that bad looking either. So what's the problem, you ask? Well, I think it's more on the interior. The emotional aspect of it all. I don't mean to quote Mila Kunis, but "I'm emotionally damaged."

When I was younger, they told me to play hard to get. To not let boys in my life unless they tried hard enough. One by one they moved on and I was left alone because I never really thought any of them were trying enough. As I got older, I decided to take risks. To do crazy things like fall for the guy that could make me smile and give him a part of me I sheltered away, safe and hidden. I got my heart broken and I know it's been too long, but he'll always be the one I subconsciously compare everyone I meet to. And as I continue on to adulthood, I'm back to guarding my heart, meaning what's left of it, and putting up walls to keep people out.

I guess I'm back to square one. I wonder how long i'll be on this cycle of getting my heart broken.. Anyway, I'm considering letting someone in again, but not after I give my ultimatums. If someone wants to be with me, like really be with me, and not just for feel good moments and impulsive nights, I like to think that he'll make a way. Even when everything is against his favor. I may be a sappy closet romantic, but hey, I need to believe that real love really is out there. 'Cause if not, then what else do I look forward to in a world full of chaos and strife?

I understand that no one's perfect. But why can't anyone at least come close?

I don't know why I wrote this post. I guess the christmas vibes are gone.