Fight. Flight. Future.

I think I finally understood why we weren't meant to know what happens in the future. About a month ago, I visited a psychic with a few of my friends. Now, it's not that I highly believe in those things, but I just wanted to experience it. I know a few people who've had their readings done and said it was very accurate. I just wanted to see for myself.

So, I went over to Tara's (that's the name of the psychic), chose a deck of cards and started asking my questions. She covered everything from career to family to even my love life. She said her predictions, but also mentioned some events that have happened to me in the past. It was pretty scary when she got things correctly, but I tried very hard not to make any sudden movements or facial expressions. I didn't want her cold reading my expressions to her advantage.

After having your future read to you, you can only react two ways: Fight or Flight. Either you anticipate the situation and subconsciously make decisions that eventually lead to that thing happening, or you try to avoid the situation altogether, making sure that it doesn't happen.

And here's where it gets tricky.. None of her predictions for me have come true (yet). And I'm not sure whether or not it's because she's not really a psychic or because I've chosen flight every single time. I feel like there could have been instances when she was right, but just to prove otherwise, I did the exact opposite. Maybe it was my Catholic ways, or maybe I'm just scared everything she said would come true if I let at least one of her predictions happen, but I just felt like I had to change things.

So the true question remains, did she correctly read my future? The fact that none of them have come true could be because of my own doing. I have probably altered my own future by knowing it. I guess I'll never really know, but one thing's for sure, I'd rather take the future one day at a time.


Edit: One has come true because I made the first move towards it. 

Just one of those days.

Ever had one of those days when a certain someone just kept crossing your mind? And it's not that you particularly miss them or still long for them, but I think it's more of because you miss the idea of having them around. I'm having one of those days.

Hoodie/Bed/Emo Weather

It has been raining for the past idon'tknowhowmany days. Don't get me wrong, I love the rain. The pitter patter sound of the water, the chilly winds that accompany it, and even the once-in-awhile lightning strikes that feels like God is taking a photograph. What I don't like is the feeling it brings. The rush back of emotions of better or worse times.

It's been a week since I got back from Italy. The trip was the perfect escape to my routinely life. It gave me a chance to get lost and step out of my comfort zone. It did not though let me forget what I left back home. The moment I got back, I felt like I was back to waiting. Waiting and waiting.. For nothing. Again.

I seriously don't want to go back to that. But I feel like, if the opportunity 'FINALLY' presents itself (again), I will fall for it (again). I am such a sucker for love.

1 Corinthians 10:13

Please read my previous post to know what this is about.

My dad raised us to never ever give up. And because of that, I've even had instances when people would tell me that I have a high tolerance for pain. For me, it was never about pride or being too competitive (okay, maybe a little), but more than anything, it was just because it was instilled in me since I was young. I never really knew anything else.

Sitting in the car with my dad saying, "I just really don't know what to do, Lord." over and over and finally ending it with "I give up." after countless sighs, I couldn't even feel anything. I wasn't sad. I wasn't even mad. Just.. that I actually felt the same exact way.

Here we were, two people that practically lived by the motto of never giving up, giving up. For the both of us to give up must mean that we've both hit our limits. I was hurting. After everything that has happened, I just felt helpless. I didn't know what to do anymore. And even if I wanted to go on, I didn't know where to. And I looked at my dad. I wanted more than anything else to tell him not to give up. But before I could, he put himself together and found a solution.

When I got home, I opened my book of answers. This is what it said: No testing has overtaken you that is not common to everyone. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tested beyond your strength, but with the testing he will also provide the way out so that you may be able to endure it.

Even after everything that I went through, after everything went wrong, I still can't help but feel thankful. I have never felt so loved in my life.

GU.

I had a string of bad luck happen to me over the weekend. It basically all started when I lost my phone. Or rather, it was stolen from me. (P.S. Boo you whoever you are that stole it. Not cool, man.) & it was pretty much down hill from there. I accidentally (with the help of a rather drunk friend) ripped a 500 peso bill. On my way home, I was low on gas (and cash!) and had to drive home gangsta-style, windows down, which actually wasn't so bad since it was around 3 or 4 in the morning, but that's besides the point 'cause I was seriously praying my car wouldn't just stop in the middle of the highway or whatever. Oh, but I got home safe, if ever you're wondering.

The next day, I got my period. (TMI on the internet, but who cares. I'm trying to prove a point.) And guess what. We were out of napkins. & tissue paper. Imagine waking up to blood and a hangover. Worst combination ever. In the afternoon, I decided to pick up my new sim card from Globe. I got there 10 minutes to 5, but they were already closed. SERIOUSLY?! When I got back to the car, it wouldn't start. (Please read next post to know more about this.) The battery was dead. My mom had to drive to us with jumper cables.

Seriously. GU. Give up.

Another love post.

I haven't written anything in awhile. Maybe for fear that i'll reveal too much. Sometimes, I guess I let my emotions take over and it ends up doing all the writing. But I do miss it, so i'll let it take over even just this once. Hopefully I won't give away too much of myself.

If you ask me, there's a very fine line between really good friends and new lovers. Sometimes it's hard to determine which side you're on, so you kind of stay in that gray area. Most people would prefer to know, either if they were on the black side or the white. I'm probably not like most people. I found comfort in staying in the gray area. I guess you could say I liked having the freedom to move from one side to the other. I've never been that relationship-y type of girl, if you know what I mean. But I think now, I'd like to be.

I don't know what's worse, having the right love at the wrong time or the wrong love at the right time? I feel like I'm homesick for a place that doesn't even exist (yet). But don't get me wrong, I don't regret anything. Yes, it does feel nice to have some consistency in your life, but I think the greatest loves are the ones that surprise you. The ones you never expected. The ones that leave you and return, even greater than before. The ones that hurt the most. And the ones that stay with you almost forever.

I need to know that this kind of love still exists. The kind that doesn't really need words. The kind that let's you sleep together, and I mean, literally, sleep right next to each other without the expectation of anything more. The kind of love that lights up the room. The kind of love that makes other people say, "I want that. Exactly what they have." It would be so peaceful. Like the feeling of sleep, but being awake in it together.

I've probably said too much already. But life is too short to lie about how you really feel. What do you have to lose? Carpe that fucking diem! :)

The Birthday Experiment.

My REAL birthday is on November 17. On my Facebook page it says February 29. (Yes, I wrote that I was a leap year baby.) Now, people lie about their online information all the time, but I wanted to know just how far people would believe anything that was on the internet.

Last year, I changed my birthday on my profile. On my actual birthday, I got about 40 ish birthday greetings spread throughout the day. Some of which were from my family, my block mates and team mates whom I spent everyday in school with, and a few close friends from high school and other organizations. Today, the 29th of February, I got about 50 birthday greetings in the first hour and a half alone. Only 12 people contradicted this and knew it wasn't my real birthday.

Now, I know it's a bit of a stupid experiment (and some of you probably feel fooled after finding out it isn't really my birthday), but come on, don't you think that technology has made us lazy? We can't compute without calculators, can't read without eBooks downloaded onto our Kindles and iPads, or even greet people without Facebook reminding us. And it's not because we've forgotten, but it's because we've become lazy to think. Technology is supposed to make our lives easier, not live our lives for us.

And I will admit, there are times when I'm out that I sometimes find myself favoring social media sites like twitter and Facebook over socializing in person, but then it hits me.. Nothing will ever compare to standing in front of someone, looking them in the eye, and speaking to their soul.

Don't get me wrong, I am very grateful for technology. But I don't think it's an excuse for us to stop using our minds or making our own decisions. Technology can only calculate so much. If you ask me, a gut feeling, or a personal connection can only be truly felt if we allow ourselves to be human. Just a thought.

Happy FB birthday to me! & I am thankful for the birthday greetings though. I know you all mean well. :)

Give and take? Why not give and give?

People always ask me why I give for free. My time, my efforts, (and cheesy as it sounds) my love. I always only respond the same thing: Because I can.

I'm thankful that it was never really embedded into my mind that I should always get something in return. Yeah, in this day and age, it does suck sometimes 'cause everyone thinks that way. It's like a 'you-get-what-you-give' mentality. And honestly, I hate that. I don't understand why people think they can only give what they expect to get back. "I'll only love him this much because that's only how much he'll love me." or "I'll only put this much effort into my work because my boss will only credit me by this much." or "I'll only talk to her when she needs me 'cause I know that's the only time she'll actually talk to me." I just don't get it.

And what's worse is, people tell other people NOT to give. They tell you, "Don't invest in him, he'll only hurt you." or "Stop doing things for free, start charging money for it." or "Don't give her advice, she won't even take it." I mean, come on people! The world is selfish enough as it is, do we need to add to the problem?

First of all, to truly love someone should be unconditional. No other motives. Whether he'll love you back or not; Whether he'll hurt you or not. Second, your time is YOUR time, but know that it is better spent with others. Life is short. Spending it all on your own is not as wonderful (and beneficial) as spending it with people. And lastly, what is so wrong with helping other people? So what if they don't take your advice? Sometimes, all they need is someone who will listen. And with the hustle and bustle of the city life, that's not easy to find.

I guess all I'm trying to say is that I wished people gave more. And if you understood me correctly, which I hope you did, obviously I didn't mean material things. (We've got enough charitable rich folks for that.)

And from what my best friend once shared with me: 'Sic transit gloria mundi,' which translates to 'Thus passes worldly glories,' I changed my perspective from give-and-take to give-and-give. In the end, none of our earthly possessions will matter. We need to start setting our priorities straight.

Pre-Love Jitters

I can't wait to fall in love. To give a part of me away that I might never get back. To become illogical and not think straight. To fight over small things that have big impacts. To just take a risk and hope it lasts forever. To be hurt and feel pain. To feel lost, and yet found.

I can't wait to fall in love. For unlimited hugs and kisses. For the infinite support and security. For the back rubs and shoulders to cry on. For words unspoken and unawkward silences. For consistency. For fingers entwined and soft touches. For happy endings.

I can't wait to fall in love. Love, love, love, love, love. I can't wait.

Pre-Valentines Rant

This will be easier said than done, but when I do (finally) have someone to call my own, I will try my very best to tell him this:

"I'll make a deal with you. The moment you become unhappy with me, you can go. I won't stop you, I won't fight you, I won't even take it against you. Or at the very least, I won't show it.

I will, though, be sad. Maybe even a little miserable. But I will not hate you for feeling what you're feeling.

But until that day comes, you have to promise me that you'll try. That you will love me unconditionally, faults and all. And I will promise to keep you happy.

And if we wake up one day, side by side, old and gray, we'll know that we both did something right."


Maybe that's why relationships don't work out in the first place. Because people are selfish. We expect them to love us forever and we won't let them go when they start to feel otherwise. Or we expect them to fight for us and try to stay in relationships that are doomed and destructive, when we could just let them be happy.

Some people are meant to fall in love with each other, but not be together. And by not being together is probably one of the greatest ways they will ever love each other.

Happy Valentines. :)

First 30 day challenge for the year.. FAIL!

Sadly, I only got up to day 11. I got pretty busy with DANZ DISH 7, so I forgot to post on days 12 onwards. But here are my answers to days 1 to 11. Basically, I posted my answers on twitter but edited this document everyday for a little description of why or what I answered. I'll try answering another 30 day challenge maybe during summer when I'll be pretty free. :)

Day 01 — Your favorite song

Up In Flames - Coldplay

At the top of my head, this would be it. I don't really have an all-time favorite song because my taste in music seems to shift once in awhile. Anyway, I just recently got Coldplay's album, Mylo Xyloto. I quickly became obsessed with it and it's been playing on repeat ever since. I'm not emo (anymore) or anything, but I also heard the song while watching TVD. It definitely sparked some emotions.

Day 02 — Your favorite movie

Wicker Park

I've been pretty much a bum since December and I've watched countless movies. Even if it's pretty old, I chose Wicker Park 'cause it's so rare for a movie with a love story to have such a dark twist. I like the mystery and the soundtrack was pretty sick as well!

Day 03 — Your favorite television program

Happy Endings, Terra Nova & How I Met Your Mother

Like what I said earlier, I've been bumming watching shows nonstop. I started watching Happy Endings 'cause of my sister, and I super loved the characters and their humor. Terra Nova, on the other hand, I just stumbled upon when I couldn't find anything else to watch. I ended up watching 10 episodes all in one night! & of course, I've always been a fan of HIMYM. I have all the episodes since season 1 and I still watch them once in awhile when I just need a laugh.

Day 04 — Your favorite book

The Realm of Possibility by David Levithan

Choosing a favorite book is like choosing amongst all your children. It just cannot be done! --But if I really had to choose one, it would be that. I've always been a fan of David Levithan. Maybe it's his writing style. (Something that I've tried to imitate in my short stories as well) Or the perspective he uses with his characters.. I don't know. I just like it. My other choices were Veronika Decides to Die by Paulo Coelho & Perks of Being a Wallflower by Stephen Chbosky.

Day 05 — Your favorite quote

"You were once wild. Don't let them tame you." --Isadora Duncan

I placed this quote on a sticky on my dashboard. And it just reminds me to live my 4th everyday. We're so intent to please what society dictates that we sometimes forget to be ourselves. The raw version of us is chained and shoved to the back of our minds, while another version of us, the "acceptable" version, is out fooling others what we try to be, but are not.

Day 06 — Whatever tickles your fancy

I'm terrified.

..to drive again, that is! After that f*cked up Wednesday after Izumi, I've been kinda traumatized. Like for a little while after that incident, I had difficulty sleeping. 'Cause sleeping meant closing your eyes and every time I closed my eyes, I pictured myself back on that street about to crash into something. But it's ironic how I posted this yesterday afternoon and at night, I was forced out of my will to drive. I had training and I didn't have a way to go. It was the slowest, most paranoid car ride of my life. But hey, I'm alive! & the car's alive! So I think it went pretty well.

Day 07 — A photo that makes you happy

This is a picture of me, Alex, and Drew going crazy over a banana taken in 2010. That was one hell of a year for me. And I couldn't have made it without these two (and Gio! But I don't seem to have a picture of him). Whatever craziness I had, they seemed to have it times 2! No matter what the circumstance, I was always happy around them. Man, I miss team 2010!

Day 08 — A photo that makes you angry/sad

Believe it or not, this photo makes me very sad. I didn't post it on twitter though, because at the time, I couldn't think of a photo to use. But the reason why I chose this now was because I really miss my friends. And I miss going crazy with them and taking wild random pictures like this one in a parking lot at around 2 in the morning. Oh high school. Good times, good times.

Day 09 — A photo you took

Took this for my photography class. One of my most shots from one of my most memorable random day. We went around Manila taking pictures of old churches, monuments, and statues. I lost my glasses midday and had to drive blind. It was awesome. --In this scary omg-we-might-die way.

Day 10 — A photo of you taken over ten years ago

Here's me and my sister when we were about.. 4 and 5, I guess? I'm not so sure. But as you can see we were really into Minnie Mouse! And this photo was taken in my garage! --The same garage that I still have up to this day. My, my, how time flies. Look at those chubby cheeks!

Day 11 — A photo of you taken recently

This was taken for Danz Dish 7, LSDC-Street's annual (and my very last!) dance concert. The theme is somewhat fairy-like that's why I have feathers and other wild things in my hair. And straight angles are definitely not my thing (that's why I kind of look like a chubby owl), but I like my lips though.


I actually enjoyed answering them. I wish I finished all 30 days, but I can't control everything. You can only plan so much in your life. I do promise to try and plan out things more. :)

I am going to make it through this year if it kills me.

First 30 day challenge for the year.

Day 01 — Your favorite song

Day 02 — Your favorite movie
Day 03 — Your favorite television program
Day 04 — Your favorite book
Day 05 — Your favorite quote
Day 06 — Whatever tickles your fancy
Day 07 — A photo that makes you happy
Day 08 — A photo that makes you angry/sad
Day 09 — A photo you took
Day 10 — A photo of you taken over ten years ago
Day 11 — A photo of you taken recently
Day 12 — Whatever tickles your fancy
Day 13 — A fictional book
Day 14 — A non-fictional book
Day 15 — A fanfic
Day 16 — A song that makes you cry (or nearly)
Day 17 — An art piece (painting, drawing, sculpture, etc.)
Day 18 — Whatever tickles your fancy
Day 19 — A talent of yours
Day 20 — A hobby of yours
Day 21 — A recipe
Day 22 — A website
Day 23 — A YouTube video
Day 24 — Whatever tickles your fancy
Day 25 — Your day, in great detail
Day 26 — Your week, in great detail
Day 27 — This month, in great detail
Day 28 — This year, in great detail
Day 29 — Hopes, dreams and plans for the next 365 days
Day 30 — Whatever tickles your fancy

Posting my answers on twitter, more specifically, here.

Sorry, I just felt like I needed to do something new. My life has succumbed to a routine of sorts. This is not what I wanted/expected for this year. 2012 has to be better. It just has to!

Hello 2012. You suck.

This year started out so well. For the first time ever in the history of my life, I was allowed to go out on New Year's. --And with no curfew nonetheless! The days that followed it were also pretty awesome. I got to spend time with my friends, hitting Opus and even Cebu! & to top it all off, I even broke my curfew a couple more times without getting caught.

Everything was going so well, until everything started falling apart. HA HA 2012 YOU HAVE SUCH A SICK SENSE OF HUMOR. On the 5th, Julio's (my lappy) back cover started peeling off. My warranty ended last September, but I had no choice. Dad took him to the Power Mac Store. Thank God it was really a problem of this type of Macbook, so it was covered by a special type of warranty. On the 8th, my phone died in Cebu. Yes, okay, it was partly my fault, but still. Now was the worst possible time to not have my contacts and a qwerty phone. It's freakin' Danz Dish season for goodness sakes! And last but not least, I crashed my car on the 11th. This was 140% my fault. I was pretty drunk and I was checking my phone. Boom. Crashed into a post. (Which I thought I didn't hit, by the way) And swerved on to the pavement. And a canal. Tire exploded, damaged my mags, broke the suspension, chassis and even the battery (no idea, but thats what the mechanic told my dad) Anyway, long story short, the right side of my car was hit pretty bad. I am an epic fail.

And now I have this money. Not a lot, but a fairly decent amount, which will all go down the drain because of all the shit I've been doing with my life. Yes, I have to pay for the damages. As well as purchase a new phone because the one I'm using now is my sister's old phone, which turns itself off on a constant basis. I won't even feel this money. It will prolly slip through my fingers like ice on a warm summer day.

Now I am grounded. Indefinitely. I'm not allowed to drive, drink, or even go out. I seriously had better expectations for this year. I just hope to God this won't be how my whole year will be. Please please please don't let it be this way.

I think I need a sunrise. I'm tired of the sunset.